Excise Florida! NOW!

Submitted By: Allen Reynolds

WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.

"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.

"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."

An Open Letter from Florida to the Rest of the Country

 Submitted By: Henry Lawrence

Ok, here is the deal. We here in Florida have all gotten together and decided to hold the rest of the country hostage with the election results till you come and take your parents back home with you!

That's right, we're tired of hearing how good it was back home and how beautiful your children are. We can't stand it any longer! And where did they learn to DRIVE!!! We're running out of Depends down here, and it's gonna get messy. You want a president? Great! We want to be able to drive 55 in a 55 zone instead of 20 mph. We want to be able to shop in Publix without tripping over your Grandma.

Is it a deal? George W. are you listening? How about you, Mr, Gore? Ya gettin this? We need a break, and quit sending the Canadians down here too! We mean it! We're not lettin the results out! We'll stall with law suits and claim ballot fraud, anything till you come and take the old devils outta here!

Signed,
Citizens of Florida

Florida Chad

 By: Keith Horn

Disclaimer: It appears as though Democrats have seen fit to apply gender to "chads". You know, those small pieces that are supposed to be punched out when a voter makes a selection. Female gender has been set because a chad can be"pregnant". Be that as it may, the following is in no way an endorsement of referring to "chads" as female by this author. That decision has already been made by the self-appointed Court of Democrats.

Here are the rules set forth in the Court of Democrats as to how "chads" are interpreted.

A "Pregnant" chad:

No husband is grounds for an immediate abortion with this type of "loose" chad. The chad's unborn child must be removed for the health of the Nation, not to mention Gore's reputation.

 

A "Hanging" chad:

A valid form of execution still in use today. The sentence of death by hanging has been handed down by Democrats in calling this a "hanging" chad. It is perfectly legal to put a rope around a "hanging" chad and "hang em high" until they call out for Gore.

 

A "Dangling" chad:

When a chad is found "dangling", then just push her the rest of the way off the cliff. This chad is considered just another "bimbo" glad to sacrifice herself for Gore.

 

The "Swinging" chad:

This chad is a frequent visitor to bars. She drinks too much and is a real "swinger". This chad was most likely intoxicated on election day and therefore her vote must have been for Gore.

 

The "Hinging" chad:

This chad has opened the door for her date, but has second thoughts about the guy. Now, she is not sure if he is really the man for her or not.  Since this chad has swung the hinges open on her door, she should go ahead with the date. After all, in four years she can dump Gore.

 

The "Dented" chad:

This chad has "dented" feelings and has been deeply hurt. She was so emotional over Gore that she forgot what she was supposed to do.  It is felt that this chad meant to "fall" for him in a big way, but was too upset at the time. Consider this chad to have completely "fallen" for Gore.

 

The "Dimpled" chad:

This chad has those famous Shirley Temple "dimples". Democrats feel that any chad this cute must have voted for Gore.

 

The "Single" chad:

This chad is the only one left on the card.  We know that all "single" chads find Gore irresistible.  So, she must be a form of "reverse" voting where the "single" chad remaining is a total commitment to Gore.

 

The "Voter Intent" chad:

This chad has extra sensory perception, can transfer thoughts to others and she is a member of MENSA. She has not removed herself from the card because she has "intended" to vote for Gore by transferring her thoughts to the person counting the ballot.

 

The "Laying on the floor" chad:

Chads have been seen laying on the floor in various compromising positions. It is assumed that all those chads on the floor must be for Gore.